December 1996
"life is what happens while you're making other plans." I'm not sure whose quote that was originally but it certainly has made a lot of sense recently. In April I flew out to Minneapolis to investigate the community and was impressed. An ESL class of 18 is considered "large" back there. They had the educated populace and cultural events I expected. The city parks and lakes were serene. I went as far as to secure a Minnesota state teaching license for ESL instruction. In May I was sending out resumes to the Minneapolis / St. Paul area. This summer I was diagnosed with NonHodgkins Lymphoma._______
___________ I first noticed the swelling under my jaw bone in May. I began feeling strange toward the end of that month. At first it was an achy run-down sensation, but by the first week of June I was running low-grade fevers in the evenings and experiencing mysterious pains. A throbbing inflammation in the back of my neck kept me up one night. There was a funny weak sensation in my chest which increased in the evenings. I had a miserable sore throat for five or six days. There was throbbing that seemed to move around in my body -- to the elbow, shoulders, and finally my lower back. My Ibuprofen intake increased to 600 mg. every evening. At this point it occurred to me that I was either seriously ill or being poisoned by a house mate.____________
______ A general practitioner took a disturbing interest in the swelling under my jaw. He was the one who steered me in the direction of the LA County medical system. On the first of July, I paid a visit to the emergency room of County USC where the doctors stared at me form a distance of 10 feet or so and whispered to each other with somber expressions on their faces. After a few hours I was wheeled up to the eighth floor with my admission papers looking up at me from my lap. They knew it was lymphoma but needed a conclusive, concise diagnosis._____________
______ For a week I played guinea pig to supervised medical interns who didn't appear much older than high school students I used to send to the Dean's office in Temple City. They poked and punctured me to their hearts' content. ____________
______ My eighth floor ward was reserved for "internal medicine" which meant I was to be treated to the sounds of at least two or three people vomiting at regular intervals most every night._____________
______ My blood tests were not out of the ordinary. The X-rays revealed nothing unusual. My HIV test was negative. (Gee, I wonder if I would have put it in a christmas letter if it weren't?) The results of my needle biopsy were delayed due to the Fourth of July holiday, so they discharged me.
______ The needle biopsy turned out to be inconclusive. A second was needed. It also turned out to be inconclusive. Finally in August I had to undergo surgery for a definitive diagnosis: Immunoblastic T-cell Lymphoma, a high grade or fast growing variety.____________
______ Just before my first chemotherapy on Labor Day week end, a CT scan revealed several small patches of lymphoma across my upper chest and also on my liver. Chemotherapy, however, has worked wonders so far. The swelling under my jaw disappeared within 48 hours of the first dose. I've felt dramatically better since then and am due for a re-evaluation soon._______
___________ I'm really quite fortunate that my parents are young and healthy enough for me to rely on at this time, because I still haven't regained my balance from the dizzying whirlpool of inept and draconian social agencies that some optimistic politician called our "social safety net" --- must have been someone who inhaled. ________
___________ First of all, I was denied any state disability money because I've been working part-time and half-time teaching jobs for the past five years.________
___________ During my Labor Day hospital stay a sweet middle-aged social worker came to visit me at my request. She filled out a form for me and comforted me by telling me that the Montebello Social Security Office would expedite things for me. There shouldn't be any problem receiving S.S.I., I was told. "You just concentrate on getting well." my false prophet assured me._______
___________ An entire month went by before the office got back to me with a request for basic stuff such as a birth certificate which they said they needed before they could even process my application. I have since been denied Social Security benefits because my period of disability is not expected to be 12 months._________
___________ My Medi-Cal application got lost in the paper trail. The case worker told me over the phone that she couldn't get records from County Hospital on my diagnosis or subsequent chemotherapy. Honestly folks, I don't make this stuff up. It really happens._______
___________ For pocket change I'm down to either welfare with food stamps or unemployment insurance on the spurious pretense that I'm looking for work now.________
___________ This Christmas season my valuables are in storage while I live through chemotherapy at my parents' home in Carson. I must confess that the treatments haven't been anywhere near as bad as I thought they would be. (so far)_______
___________ I've appreciated the cards and phone calls that many of you have given me. I can't help but make some comment on the surprising thoughts that have been expressed to me. It seems too many people assume that a time of serious illness is a natural time to question one's faith and ask things like, "why me?"____________
______ I've never believed in a universe that operates by some inner distributive justice. The philosophical problem of evil is more complicated than any 17th century doctrine of Providence or contemporary notion of "Karma" can explain. I believe that the rain falls on the just and the unjust and that rotten things like lymphoma simply happen without any apparent reason. I also believe that giving up on trying to decipher messages from God out of the events of our lives frees us to empathize and commiserate with others which is one big step toward becoming more human._______
___________ I'm reminded of a large, well-to-do, ethnically proud Dutch church during my high school years. They spent a huge sum of money refurbishing their pipe organ and when questioned about it one girl my age responded, "Well, we must be doing something right. Look at how God has blessed us." Curiously though, this community also had a very high cancer rate.____________
______ I hope everyone enjoys the Christmas season. If you visit someone in the hospital be sure to bring some reading material. I, for one, know first hand how boring it is to lie in a hospital bed with nothing to do._____________
______ Phil Keller
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